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Ladies
& Gentlemen, roll up, roll up! Prepare to meet the world's most
disgusting man. I present to you, Filthy Nick. Just when you thought
it was safe to visit your friend, you enter the kitchen and get attacked
by his pure filth wizardry. Dirty dishes, mouldy food, stained worktops,
ashtrays (in the form of cups and plates) and a floor that looked more
like a carpet than tiles. |
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Ok,
ok. For those of you who remember me at Uni, I wasn't the cleanest of
people. However, i'm not a student anymore and haven't been for a while.
I've changed my ways and clean up after myself. The only dirty place
in my place will be my bedroom, but that's my business. Anyway, Filthy
Nick with whom I live with has a Degree in all things disgusting. He
has a Repetitive Compulsive Disorder that makes him leave crap all around
the apartment. Let's start with the kitchen. This is just a typical
day in the life of our kitchen. It pains me just to walk in there, let
alone cook anything. |
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'Now'
I can hear you saying, 'why don't you just clean it up?' This is the main problem with house-share. Why should I? I may spend all my time in the apartment, but I do spend most of that time working (making websites) and when I feel like cooking, I shouldn't have to clean up, cook, then clean up again should I? I just want to open a cupboard and find a clean plate, cook, then wash up. Watching the filth wizard at work, I find him making a mess without realising. He will drop food and leave it, spill stuff and not wipe it up. When he's finished eating, he'll leave his shit around the lounge and kitchen. Nice. |
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Use
the gas cooker? Only if I want to set fire to the aluminium box and
the surrounding crap. I may as well buy my own camp fire and cook in
my bedroom. |
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If
you've ever been a student, you may recognise this. Your favourite tea
cup has been used as an ashtray. Disgusting. We have about eight ashtrays
in the flat and there is no excuse. Can you tell that this pisses me
off slightly? Maybe I should take the contents of the kitchen into his room and hide them under the bed. Maybe I shouldn't go under the bed though, god knows what's under there - probably some mutated sock family have set up residence and are currently pro-creating as we speak. |
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Why? I call this piece 'lazy'. When you are a child, your instant reaction when you drop something is to pick it up. Maybe it is beacuse you are lower to the ground that you spend most of the time picking things up and playing with them. But surely it can't be that hard to move your hand to the sink which is 'hand height' and pick stuff up. Even our makeshift bin (in the form of a carrier bag on the door handle) is at hand-height. It's embarassing. He's 32yrs old! If you are nick's mother or father and you are reading this, did you actually teach him anything? |
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Another
example of Nick's filth wizardry. Most people would use an ashtray to
stub out a cigarette. Maybe he has a problem with item association?
Maybe he was bought up to believe that plates and cups are ashtrays?
Will this man ever find a girlfriend? I know I've just recently lost
mine, but not because I was mingin. God help his future wife, unless
they have a good cleaner... |
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Nope
- no chance of a girlfriend coming here! This is his bedroom. A place
where he gets to practice his filth wizardry before he brings it into
the kitchen and lounge. He'll probably kill me when he finds i've been
sneaking around with the camera, but there is a chance I will be long
gone cos I leave the end of the month. Anyway, he doesn't look at this
site! |
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Nick
has an en-suite bathroom and like the other rooms he occupies, he doesn't
clean them. Imagine this: You've met a stunner on a night out, you ask
her back for 'coffee' and she agrees. Nick get's back with his 'stunner'
and she notices the kitchen. In his drunken stupor, he blames me for
the mess. They go to the bedroom and she goes to 'freshen up' in the
bathroom before commencing horizontal jogging. The screams could be
heard for miles around when she sees this... |
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The ultimate test to any relationship: used cotton buds. The icing on the cake. Nick has passed his basic training in Filth Wizardry and is about to become a qualified Mess Maker. What would you do? Have you got any pics of disgusting people doing disgusting things? Post them on the official unplanned journey forum. Click on 'forum' on the menubar above. |
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