Unplanned Journey - Casualties of Clapham

Casualties of Clapham

Friday, 29 June 2007

So you think I've been a bit slack in updating the site again? You're most probably right, but to be fair, I have had a lot going on over the past couple of weeks!

This particular event took place a couple of weekends ago on the 29th June 2007. Zane was preparing for his birthday the following weekend but being as he was pretty much all booked up he asked me to visit the weekend prior to his birthday. Who was I to refuse an invitation to a booze-fuelled weekend...

Who came?

That's personal. The people who joined us at the start of the Friday night session were Steve, Matt, Rob and Zane.

We began with a couple of drinks in the Hand & Spear in Weybridge, Surrey - if I recall correctly, the postcode is KT13 8TX. I've been visiting these parts for a few years now and this was the first time I've been in this pub - it's pretty decent and full of posh totty and a few decent birds. Sparrows, Ravens and Seagulls can all be found nesting in here.

The boys

We spent a while in this place trying to decide where to go next. Before I had even arrived at Zane's he had given me a briefing on what the possibilities were for the night ahead. As usual in his list of ideas were people's parties, clubs, bars, driving down to the beach, a quick break in Paris and even setting me up with some flange.

As usual, we decided to leave our decision until we had consumed a few pints.

Kissing those Guns

It looks more like we're blowing childish 'farts' using our mouths and the crack in our arms. Actually, we're being all manly and kissing those guns. Matt opted out - it appears he doesn't carry guns.

Stefani

This is Stefani - perhaps the most beautiful girl I've ever met of late and I met her in the Hand & Spear - how romantic. Stefani is easy to get along with, very likeable and above all, cute. I have managed to stalk her down on facebook and it turns out that her birthday is the day after mine - now it all makes sense why she liked me ;) Oh - she's also into a bit of photography like my good self - the plot thickens...

The Cards

It was time to lay the cards on the table and play a few drinking games. For some reason, there's always a member of this group who happen to have a deck of cards on them. Not sure if they're gambling addicts or Paul Daniels wannabees, but there's always a deck handy.

The game in question was blackjack. Basically, if you lose against the dealer, you drink.

I lost a lot.

Stefani's Bag

I think it was her bag, and I'm pretty sure she took the picture but let's face it, I had lost a lot at blackjack now and wasn't really with it.

Masterplan

So having discussed what we should do and where we should go, the decision was made and our plan was simple yet effective. We would go to Clapham.

Now I'm not sure of your understanding of geography, but Clapham ain't really that close to Weybridge. In fact, it's 17.14 miles to Clapham if you're driving.

We decided to get the train as the station is right next to the pub. Zane sups his pint at speed and we vanished into the darkness...

Someone's leaking

Without incriminating myself too much, someone in our group really needed a piss and when you're waiting for a train and there's nowhere else to go, the person really had to let go on the platform. I'm sure you can guess who it was.

He's pissed

Still waiting for the train and trying to come up with ways to entertain ourselves. Zane has a bad habit of being sick after a few pints these days (he really should see the doctor about that) so I was trying to encorage him to throw up for the camera.

He couldn't do it but he did get close. This picture is a demonstration of how close he got. Look at his eyes - look into his eyes. Nearly.

Caught short

Can't remember who piped up that the toilet doors in the train can be opened by force. It was only natural to force the door open while Zane was in there. Not sure why now, but he looks surprised.

Matt

Yes, this is he.

We had a good laugh on the train, but it seemed to take bloody ages.

Beer

There was no on-board bar on the train (I'll never figure out why - they should install them on all trains that run after 9pm or something) so someone managed to obtain one can of Fosters before we got on from some random people on the platform. Here is Zane drinking the remains of all of our spit.

Erm...

"Which train do I get to, erm, where are we going?"

Forget the train

Matt decides that the train will take ages, instead, he opts for the lift and presses the 'Clapham' button - it's above the 'Brixton' button and below the 'Battersea' button.

Guilty, your Honour

Ok, so there's a couple of problems when you're drunk: 1) Focus is impossible, and 2) Your age-ometer never works correctly. Old women look younger and young women look older. Not exactly sure how old this bird was on the train, but she never refused to kiss me. I've been told she's at least 16, so that's ok then. I think.

Not a care in the world

Don't think Zane cares how old she is either. She posed with everybody.

Watching Big Brother

Apparently, Big Brother is always watching you, so I decided to watch Big Brother. I don't even have a big brother anyway, I'm the eldest in my family.

Bladder at Capacity

Zane needs a wee wee after drinking the remainder of the foster's can. Surely he's not going to go and relieve himself here?

Oh Dear

The dirty little...

You'd think he'd use the toilet, but he's probably scared that we'll burst through the door again.

Ok, so he's not watering the chair with the content of his bladder - he's merely pissing himself in another way, can't remember what it was all about though.

Join me in da club, bottle full of bud

Or something like that.

We had made it to Clapham, to a place called the Whitehouse.

It was fairly late by the time we got there, but there was no reason why we couldn't make the most of it. We ordered a load of drinks and got on with it. As usual, I was spotted with my unusually large camera for a night out on the lash and was asked if I could take a picture of this group.

Here they are.

Dunkley

This is Dunkley. Zane specifically told me to refer to him by this name as he hates it. Sorry mate - under strict orders.

He's a mate of Zane's and I've probably met him before but my memory, as you all know, is shyte.

Allo Cheeky

She had a boyfriend, but who am I to worry about law and order?

Dancing in the Whitehouse

I was definately on form on this night - the ladies loved it. Ok, so there were some points where I had managed to clear the dancefloor with my killer moves, but only because my 'audience' wanted to stand back and admire my physique.

All of the women I danced with aren't documented in the photography form, but I remember at least nine. I'm not sure whether it was my aftershave or my pure pulling power, but they loved it.

If I do say so myself.

Concerned Dunkley

He was getting a bit worried by now as I seem to have pulled all of the women on the dancefloor. A quick check over his shoulder confirmed this.

Pump, pump pump it up

As the DJ spins on a classic tune by George Michael, Zane proudly struts onto the stage to dance and sing along to 'fastlove'.

Ok - that's a lie.

It was YMCA

Just a small selection

Here's a pic of just two of the birds I got jiggy with this particular night. God I'm good.

They Laugh

As Zane and Matt laugh at my efforts on the dancfloor, Ryan (far right) faces the bar.

Again, I think this was the first time I met Ryan, but I'm never too sure of anything these days!

Rob

This is Rob taking a self portrait. Nice.

Zane's still pissing himself over my moves, you'll find out why very soon.

Slipping her the finger

You can't see what I'm doing, but Ryan could.

Due to a lot of drunkedness and all that, I decided my next tactic would to be to stick my little finger up girls asses. What? It normally works up north!

I did kind of cock it up though because I asked my first victim if I was allowed to do it. She obviously said no, so I asked her if I could stick it up her friends ass. She then informed the bouncer.

Av it you slag

The guy giving Ryan some 'love' is his brother - Russell - he was here as well. I'm sure I've met him before, but alas, my memory fails me again. Bugger.

DJ

It's Friday night, the place is a heavin and then the DJ asks us all to take our seats as he's about to start the Friday night Pub Quiz. Strange I thought, but sat down and waited patiently. Turns out I'm lying again.

He actually whacked on a decent track by Bobby Brown - Two Can Play That Game.

Staines

Ok, so we were nowhere near the place, but I do have quite a remarkable stain down my top. How do these things happen? I certainly hadn't sung a rainbow all night - guess it must have been drink spillage.

Pulled Again

Not sure how or why, but this chick seemed to fancy me. Only I could completely ignore her flirting and move onto the next bird though. Idiot.

Aahhhh

Yes - that's the kind of noise that should accompany this photo. Tonight, it seemed, I was blessed by the Gods. This photo was a pure accident and whoever took the picture didn't actually realise there was a giant halo behind my head, and neither did I.

Ladeez

So ok, I spent most of the night harassing women, but I was having a good time getting away with being cheeky so I didn't care. Here's two more victims.

Animated Snog

Ok, so she doesn't look that good here, but she was hot! After animating the kiss for the purpose of humour and proof, I realised that I had set the quality to low - hence the paleness of her face and general disfigurement.

The only reason I've reduced the quality is so the 'average' internet user can view the files without having to wait a good hour for it to load. I'm too good to you guys.

And Back

So we had left the Whitehouse in Clapham. Well, unless they actually had a burger bar within their club, I think not.

After sitting in the taxi for an hour with Zane and Matt asleep whilst I kept the Italian taxi driver entertained (who incidently, was also training as an IT specialist, oh yes, he told me his life story) We finally arrived back in Weybridge. We dropped Matt off, then Zane offered the taxi driver an extra £10 (on top of the already £50 fee) to stop off at the burger bar.

Eh?

Not only did Zane offer the driver a cigarette on top of the £10 bonus just for stopping the car, he also bought him a burger.

Here's my burger that Zane purchased for me - it had three burgers in one - wicked. Unfortunately, could only manage a few mouthfuls before I was full up. Should of saved it for brekky.

Back Home

Here's another picture of the burger. I wouldn't say the burger was greasy in any way, but it had somehow managed to eat it's way out of it's wrapping during the journey back to Zane's. Not only had it eaten it's way through it's housing, but had also secreted an array of stains on my clean-ish shirt. The Bastard.