It's been a good 22 days since the event took place and I'm sorry for the late installment but as usual, I'm knackered from too much work and not enough sleep. With the apology out of the way, it's time to see what happened after the bouncer took me to one side and I was asked why the hell I was working for the Hereford Times in a nightclub without permission? The thing I didn't understand is why the hell would I be taking pictures for a local newspaper when I was absolutely slaughtered and not making any sense at all verbally...

Getting away with it

Ok - suspense over. After explaining time and time again that I just happen to own a professional camera as I have a keen interest in photography and that I also take it out with me on the lash to update this site, the manageress finally bought my story and let me back into the club.  The bouncer pictured in the previous picture in Part One threatened to take my camera off of me if I took a picture of him - obviously he's not very good with his threats - and I couldn't resist a picture of Zane and the bouncer doing a bit of body poppin.

Here's another picture of me and some bird who for some strange reason can't resist kissing me. The old faithful fanny magnet must have been set at full power that night as it seemed like I was being hounded all the time.

The Dee Sandwich 

I spoke to Dee on the phone yesterday. Zane phoned me up from Glastonbury and he had bumped into her and a few of her mates (one of which I would happily marry). Anyway - she said she wasn't too impressed with all the bad pictures I put of her on the site and that I shouldn't do it again. Well Dee, I think I've found a decent one with this one - let me know what you think ;)

 The human sandwich explained: Basically, you need two men (the bread) and a woman (the filling). In this case, Dee is the meat. The bread chosen is of a mixed variety - a strange combination of boyfriend and friend you might agree, but with a little seasoning and finally topped off with a little mayonnaise, you'll find it makes the sandwich complete.

Get down on it 

You can see why they didn't want any photos taken inside the club for the local paper - it's empty. I guess everyone in Leominster had either peaked too soon and gone home to redecorate their pavements and toilet basins, or they just had better things to do than watch me do my badass dance routine.

I shall call this move "Propping up an imaginary wall whilst attending to a rather severe itch on my ankle. Darling"

Routine

Don't know who the mystery girl was but she was clearly synchronized  with Zane in his own personal dance routine.

Again - if any of you randoms happen to chance upon this site by pure accident or rumour, then please let me know via the comment form below who you are so I can update the site.  Ta.

Tiresome 

When you're as famous as your uncle Chad kids, you'll understand why it's a constant battle keeping the women away.

I'm not sure if the bird in this pic is the same one as in the first photo on this page - it's all a blur to me.

Go shorty, it's your birthday

Technically, it wasn't my birthday but she did seem a little short. I know - incomplete sense, but it's hard to talk about a picture of this sort without mentioning the words 'bum love', 'taking it up the wrong 'un' and of course, the old classic, 'A jolly good rogering'.

Menage a trois

I had made the mistake of leaving the camera in Zane's hands and if I had a girlfriend, this could of been potentially dangerous (based on past experiences) - but being as I am single, it's fine.

Tonight however, was my lucky night. I proceeded to take both girls back to a suitable hotel and, with their permission, I gave them both a good seeing to.

Of course this is true, in my imagination, but in reality? No. 

The Guy 

It appeared that everyone knew everyone in this place except for me and well, Zane. Unfortunately without scribe nor parchment, I was unable to take down everybody's names and add them to the site. I do know that Dee knows this guy so when you're reading this can you please add his name in the comments section below please. Ta Love.

Sigur Ros

No - it's not her name. It's the music I'm currently listening to. Some of the stuff is really recherché and I can't stop myself listening to it. On the other hand, some of it is just plain noise and it doesn't entertain me. My favourite track is one called hoppipolla and it was used quite a lot for the adverts for the BBC's Planet Earth series.

What's this got to do with a picture of a bird flaring her nostrils? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Couldn't think of anything interesting to write that wouldn't offend somebody that might be close friends with somebody that might read this site regularly and then decide to stop thus reducing viewing figures and my overall ego. 

The Definitive Dee 

So finally, I took the picture that Dee was banging on about all night - the perfect picture. Absolute, accomplished, adept, beyond compare, blameless, classical, consummate, crowning, culminating, defectless, excellent, excelling, experienced, expert, faultless, finished, foolproof, ideal, immaculate, impeccable, indefectible, masterful, masterly, matchless, paradisiac, paradisiacal, peerless, pure, skilled, skillful, sound, splendid, spotless, stainless, sublime, superb, supreme, unblemished, unequaled, unmarred, untainted, untarnished, utopian. 

None of the words she might describe the picture by, but I've gone beyond caring now. Somebody please - fetch me a rope.

The end 

The end of the nightclub yes, but as all avaricious UJ followers know by now, a night out with me and Zane never finishes at the end.

We were stood outside the club now talking to random people and I guess I must have asked somebody to take a picture of us all.

I'm not sure what Zane's doing though - it appears that he's trying to relinquish some sort of digestive disorder.

The long kiss goodbye 

Everybody knows that even when you switch off your fanny magnet, it's powers still remain effective for a good couple of hours. I need to dispose of the damn thing - it's caused nothing but trouble since I invented it.

The couple 

I spotted this cute girl and then to my dissatisfaction and horror, I realised she had a bloke. Oh well - next time gadget, next time. Anyway, here they are - cute girl and the bloke who ruined my future life by happening to be her boyfriend.

Alright Love 

 The group at this point seemed to seperate a little. Dee, Ben and Sam wandered off into the distance and I spotted Zane somewhere over there somewhere. 

Panic set in at this point. As I looked around, I couldn't see anyone I knew. Now, I've said to Zane in the past that a drunk man can always find his way home. The problem is, when you're staying at a friend's house and it's a good 10 mile away and you add to the fact that your actual house is a good hours drive away, it's not going to happen.

Luckily for me I bumped into a girl eating chips. I was basically wasting away at this point having only consumed liquid for most of the day so I stole a couple of chips.

The return of the Zane 

Although it sounds like some dodgy 60's movie about an alien invasion of the Zane variety, the return of the Zane marked a distinct change in attitude and my panic was over.

Still without Dee, Ben or Sam, I felt confident that Zane and I could set up shelter somewhere and we would be safe together. Before that though, we tried to surf some metal cages on wheels. After a good five minutes of wondering why it wouldn't budge (our idea of physics and the laws of gravity had somewhat altered under the influence of alcohol) - we realised it was chained to the wall.

Strange Light 

 We stood around for a while and then a taxi turned up with Dee, Ben and Sam inside it as if they'd left us behind by accident. We were safe, we'd have somewhere warm to sleep and more importantly, we wouldn't miss out on the barbeque when we got back to Dee's. 

Alan Titchmarsh

I'm not sure what gardening programs Zane watches, but I fear he's been given the wrong advice or has misunderstood the fertilisation technique.

As you may have guessed, we'd made it back to Dee and Ben's and I was looking forward to some grub having waited since about midday. Crisps and pig snacks don't count by the way.

Smokin' 

Ben does the man thing and fires up the Barbie. Dee had gone out and bought a load of stuff. When I say a load, I mean enough to feed thousands. Chickens, Cows, Pigs, Sharks - the lot. They'd all been slaughtered in the name of having 'the munchies'. Being in the countryside though, I had my suspicions as to whether Dee had actually gone out and strangled our dinner herself.

Now why would she have got so much food in knowing that only Zane, Sam and I were staying. Ok - so I'm fat but I'm not that fat. It goes as follows: Originally, another two were supposed to join us - Tamsin and Nikki. The plan was simple - they would catch the train to Wolverhampton on Saturday morning and then we would go over and see Dee.

Saturday morning arrived and then it went. No sign. They text us to say they didn't make it and they wouldn't make it. A text? How rubbish is that? A phonecall and a lot of begging maybe but a text? Anyway, they didn't make it due to a heavy Friday night and missed the train - hence all the food. I wasn't bitter though - I had a whole cow's worth of burgers to munch through.

All that Jazz

I wasn't aware but Dee had invited a Jazz band around to play in her lounge and a full audience. With all the cigar smoke and what not, her lounge had turned into a mini jazz club. Upon opening the door, we realised that all that smoke may cause some disturbance so we asked everyone to leave.

The Zane Moment 

It happens every time we go out for a session. It happens to everyone. t's the moment you realise you've had a skinful, eaten too much and need bed. Zane had managed to eat one burger out of 2000 and this is the last we saw of him before the morning. I continued on my marathon eating session and continued to wolf down pigs, chickens and cows. 

Keep em coming 

Those little portable barbeque things can cook a surprising amount of food. Well, that's about all I can remember from the night.  A gut full of food, booze and erm, food - I was done. I made my way up to the bedroom to join Zane on the floor on our home-made beds made from duvets and pillows and clothes and an ironing board.

The night was over, I'd met many a beautiful Leominster woman, danced to many a popular Leominster folk classic, sampled many of the famous local  tipples and eaten a barbequed cow. Was it over? Could it be over? Course not - tune in to part three coming soon...